worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
