She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
