So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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