I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
