After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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