so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
