I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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