I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she smelled like a LAN party
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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