At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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