yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
