what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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