One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Randomize
