Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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