So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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