Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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