Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Is Oprah even human
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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