The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
