The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
