I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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