Can i not drive my cunt home
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
