Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
