He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
