Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
