oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
