my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
