I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I can't turn off my feet"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
