dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
