were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
