WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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