Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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