The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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