i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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