I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
