I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He shit in the fireplace
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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