She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
