I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
this is an emotional support booty call
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
