"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
