I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It's rum buckets o'clock
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
