halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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