Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
