I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
no more duck duck goose at the bar
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
