I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
