Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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