I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
