can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
