dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
