Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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