Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
