dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
