think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
