kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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